This is what I've felt like for a while now. Ironically, this flat tire (last week) broke me down (no pun intended) even further.
It's weird. I feel like I'm in a relapse of some sort. I was doing very well for a record time (months!) and I just hit rock bottom. I'm trying to be optimistic, thinking this is just a step back to make a grander stride forward.
These negative thoughts flood out my brain, suddenly I'm treading on mud and everything is hazy, distant. I start feeling useless and like nothing I do is good enough or even worth it; the "mean me" takes over every situation and ruins it- the worst part is, I believe it. And it's so hard to get out of that hole. I keep crying at the oddest times and places; everything hurts. The air is thick and it weighs me down. I'm an emotional wreck and because of that, I feel even worse being around people- who wants to hang out with someone falling?
And then I take a couple of deep breaths and remember to take it all moment by moment. Little by little. It eases the pain but I can't shake away the suffering. Feeling too much or too little/nothing at all, neither is good. Neither works. And neither bring me back to reality.
I know this is temporary and there is a way out (I've been here before and know it gets better) but some days it's just so hard, it seems impossible.
Putting this out in the open somehow eases the burden; so if you've been reading- thanks. A lent ear is all it takes sometimes.
I promise a bouncier post soon.