Songs should come with a trigger warning

Today, as I was driving, Rihanna + Eminem's song "Love the Way You Lie" started playing on the radio.
I started singing along- as I do with most songs, especially if I know them and moreso if it's Eminem- and next thing I know, I have to pull over because I'm crying and feel my heartbeat become a suffocating blow all over my body.

This song. This particular song. It had been so long since I listened to it and it had been so long since it took me back.
When this song came out, I was in a relationship that had its ups and downs (oh boy) and scarred me in many ways.
When this song came out I realised the relationship was not healthy and normal; it had finally come to an end.

I can tell you here and now, it is fucking hard to get out of an abusive relationship. But I can also tell you, here and now, that no matter how hard and gruelling it feels, getting out of it is always the  better choice. It's a choice you have to make yourself for yourself.

I knew it was a toxic relationship when I started feeling guilty; mostly from just talking to someone of the opposite sex, and when these innocent interactions made me fear for their safety and mine.
Emotional blackmail was disguised as affection and possessiveness as quality time.
And you start to believe that these are true demonstrations of love and care. You start to believe that sex means they do care. You start to believe that they're the only ones who'll love you because that's what they've made you believe.

When I did eventually break up with him it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, off my whole body. But it also was the beginning of what I knew awaited me and I was dreading. Blackmail and possession quickly turned into obession.
The night I broke up with him, I had 105 missed calls. I had 80 or so text messages. All in a span of 3 hours. I had one friend escort him home and another escort me.
The following weeks I'd have to make sure he wasn't waiting on my front stoop a block away so as to avoid him and any altercation.
Suicidal threats and drunk voice messages kept coming in.
I'd have to ask the security guard where I worked to keep and eye out and walk me out when I was done with my shift.
The following month I kept getting hate mail immediately followed by "love" mail full of regret from the previous email.
My roommate wanted to file a restraining order on my behalf but I was still too afraid.
I rode it out.

Friends like my roommate kept me safe and busy. Friends like my roommate helped me talk, helped me feel sane and that my intuition was right. Friends like my roommate remind you love doesn't hurt. And that's the kind of love everyone is deserving of.

Because people who say they love you don't train you to fear them.
People who say they love you don't force you into things.
People who say they love you don't blame you for their insecurities and actions.
People who say they love you will understand when you walk away because they respect you.

We all carry our scars and it's our job to take care of them, to live the healing process. We can't judge others by their scars or experiences, and much less wound them in any other way

And so, for the first time in a while, I felt like writing it down. Like letting it out. Like letting it go. For the first time I peel the bandage off this scar.



Mariana, now that you've just turned 29- what will you do next?
*shoulder shrug*

29'll be just fine
  • Do more things that scare me 
  • Meet more people (and guys)
  • Querer algo (mas nunca dejar de buscar)
  • Be able to commit to something (see next)
  • WORK
  • Keep travelling
  • BURNING MAN for the big 3-0 
  • Write: my goal is to have a draft of something for when I'm 30

Bring it on.


Do you think we can fly?

As I sit and write, listening to Limp Bizkit (because where else can you find the courage to sit down and write?), I'm semi-dreading my birthday tomorrow.

That's another year gone by. Another year where so much and nothing has changed and happened.
And as this birthday creeps its ugly head in, with it comes melancholy, nostalgia, a wave of bittersweet memories... A series of last year's events flashing right before my eyes.
The best thing about it? It makes me smile.
Because 28 was what I set out to make it: Great. 

28 Was Great
(in no particular order)
  1.  Got my first ballet distinction in an RAD exam
  2.  Took my first (of soon to be many) Yoga Certification and became a Certified Yoga Teacher!
  3.  Had a college friend visit (and went sight-seeing in the city)
  4.  Courage has become a word I've gotten to know more; which led me to open up more, speak my mind and (most importantly & scare-ly) my heart
  5.  Re:previous, I've levelled up. Gained experience points. Call it what you will.
  6.  Spent another New Year celebration with my grandmother (who is 88) 
  7.  Became an owner of something other than a cat: An apartment (and therefore, became a landlady)
  8.  Have made some true progress in yoga
  9.  I've felt happier than I ever had in a long time (and am off anti-depressants)
  10.  Adapted a much more active lifestyle
  11.  Went out more (ie. became somewhat more social)
  12.  Saw The Rolling Stones and Coldplay Live
  13.  Took my first real Solo Trip (to Baja California and it was OSOM)
  14.  Keep stepping further outside my comfort-zone (and discovered that the scary isn't as scary as one thinks)
  15.  I have a new therapist (who is the bee's knees and the cat's pajamas)
  16.  Dance on pointe shoes
  17.  Took one (very small) step regarding my 'acting career': photoshoot
  18.  Went on my first yoga retreat <3 li="">
  19.  Survived and enjoyed another ballet presentation
  20.  Dyed my hair blue!
  21.  Went on dates and it was.... interesting/good/meh/etc
  22.  New friends and old friends; many good times were had
  23.  Feel like I'm much more sensible to everything (in a "I feel my eyes and heart are open to the world and see beauty it didn't use to see before" way)
  24.  Moved to a provincial town: Campeche
  25.  Became more interested in history and anthropology
  26.  Have met even more amazing people 
  27.  Sunsets. Every sunset holds a special place in my heart and I will never grow tired of them
  28.  Reunions and beaches and friends and good times

So I welcome 29 with open arms.
Nothing is absolute. Everything is everchanging.


Yay :)

On this weekend's agenda: Turtle Conservation Camp!

Catch ya'll on Monday :)