Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of.
Everyone is fighting a battle; some tougher than others, but the point is we're all battling. I believe that. And I also believe that the hardest battle is the one with yourself.
We all get the blues but then the blues linger on and on and on; enter the mean reds. It comes out of nowhere on an otherwise perfectly good day. And it's temporary, right?.... Intermittently so.
On good days, the all-too-fabulous-albeit-hostile mindset of "I don't give a flying fuck" gets you by.
It's a tight rope you learn to walk on and respect. Not giving a fuck has its upside: nothing hurts. Not giving a fuck has its downside: not giving a fuck.
The bad days are full of desperation. You want to be able to simply shake off this feeling, this constant fear and repression built up in your head that holds you back.
And so you resort to isolation. Alone and gloomy, that's the only place for you. At least, that's how it feels.
Then comes the torturer and killer of all good: Guilt. Guilt does not shut up: "I have no reason to feel like this. I have everything going for me. Why do I feel like shit? Why do I hate myself so much? Why am I not happy? What if I just dropped dead? Is there a point to my life?"
The pity turns into hatred, pure loathing that strips you to nothing. And you start to believe you are nothing.
Sometimes you're so afraid of yourself because your thoughts overpower all grasp on reality of things.
You continue punishing yourself (verbally, physically, mentally) because you know you shouldn't feel like this. And you continue to do so because it becomes a habit, your own ritual.
You think too much. You believe things you shouldn't. You get scared and you become paralysed.
You decide it's easier to hide away in bed and avoid everyone, especially yourself.
But you're still here. You can't run away.
Habits and rituals....
There was a time in high school I cut myself. Actually, it became a sort of fad amongst a group of people. Part of me did it for their recognition. To feel like i belonged with a group of people. Part of me did it for attention.
The scariest realisation was that a greater part of me actually did enjoy it.
I used whatever I could get my hands on; scissors, staples, razors, knives, anything reasonably sharp really.
One time I recall using shards of glass from a recently broken shot glass... You get desperate. You become addicted. It becomes a ritual.
I never thought it was about "feeling alive" so much as punishment to your suffering and adding actual reason to the suffering.
Then, the guilt, again.
The never ending cycle..
My senior year in high school we had a rude awakening. In a span of 3 months, 3 students killed themselves. One, a classmate of mine.
I didn't even have the courage to tell my parents until the school called them and word got around via other parents.
If I said it out loud perhaps it would make it less real, less painful. I didn't want it to be real because it would mean having to face my own dark side and that was too much for me to handle.
The 3rd boy was a family friend, one we'd known for many years.
My mother and I had spoken to his mom a week before he did it. "He's fine, his older brother spoke to him." We were at a piano recital and everything did seem to be okay.
They say there's a calm before the storm; that once the decision is made, they accept their choice with peace.
The night it happened, I was chatting to a mutual friend on MSN. It's a hazy memory.
I remember going up to my mom, freezing, saying his name, and crying. That was all I needed to say.
My parents headed to their house to support the parents. I was not to be left alone, so I went over to a friend's house. We watched Friends. I made sure my other friends were okay.
The following weeks were difficult for me because someone had done something I fantasised about. I had nightmares, insomnia, a sense of guilt because I was still alive.
Some people say it's cowardly, some say it's brave.
They don't all do it for the same reason. Either way, some of us still hold on.
Some fight, fight, fight.
I'm still here. I'm still surrounded by people who love me. I choose to live everyday- the reason may not be clear right now, but it's there. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. Believe it ornot, it is a choice.
You will eventually see yourself the way others do and you will love yourself. Unconditionally.
The decisions you make may not always be the right ones, but they're decisions. They get you through the hours, the day, the week. Keep making them, keep choosing, keep living.
You get better at it as time goes by. All you need to do is give yourself a chance.
Give yourself a chance to enjoy. To live. To smile. To be grateful.
The good days-or day (in singular)- are worth all the bad ones and so much more.
** Source ** is worth reading. I encourage you to do so RIGHT HERE.
I'm too embarrassed to check the date on my last post. Oy.
It's been an interesting last couple of months, which I guess I will slowly (but surely) go into details.
Most importantly, it's been a time of personal growth. I know 2013 isn't over yet, but I'm a fan.
Something I've finally gotten to doing more again? Reading.
And it's helped me feel like me, again.
And in the spirit of books, What Red Read answered a bookish survey (who, in turn, links back to Jamie and Sarah) which inspired me to get back on here.
So, here it goes!
Authors you've read the most books from: Does Shakespeare count? 'Cause I've read about 70% of his work. Or Austen, which I admit are only 5 that I've read.
Best sequel ever: I agree, does this mean it's a 2 book thing only? Either way, 'Prisoner of Azkaban' is still my favourite of the Harry Potter saga (that word makes me think of Twilight *shudder* )
Currently reading:The Cuckoo's Calling and The Phantom of the Opera
Drink of choice while reading: Tea. Tea. Tea. A nice hot cupp'a tea.
Ereader or physical book: I love a physical book; the engagement in the turning of the pages, the weight, the (hard)cover. I'm not, however, against e-readers. I think they have their own charm too. But nothing will ever beat a book.
Fictional character that you probably would have dated in high school: Mr. Darcy. Horatio. Mr. Rochester (he had his charms).
Glad you gave this book a chance:
Hidden gem book:No Great Mischief by Alistair MacLeod. I though it was a beautiful. The imagery wasn't long or pretentious, but I felt as if I were looking through someone's family photographs (a-la-Harry Potter, movement wise).
"All of us are better when we're loved."
Important moment in your reading life:Actually, studying English Literature and getting my BA. I enjoyed every second of my degree.
Just finished: Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson. Hilarious!
Kind of books you won't read: Isn't good to expand and move away from your comfort zone? I've always been a fiction lover. And classics lover. I feel like I need to get more into History. Baby steps, right?
Longest book you read:Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts.
Major book hangover because of: Cormac McCarthy's The Road. I had to stop reading it at nights because I'd have nightmares; I still had nightmares after having finished reading it...
Also the last Harry Potter because... what else was there to look forward to every summer?!
Number of bookcases you own:3, I guess.
One book you've read multiple times:The Little Prince (St. Exupery),Hamlet (Shakespeare), and Sense & Sensibility (Austen).
Preferred place to read: The floor or a comfy couch. (This explains my neck pains... And reminds me of THIS illustration)
Quote that inspires you:"...on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux."
Reading regret: That I didn't keep up my reading habits from college. Granted, life (ie work & +school) gets 'in the way'...
Series you started and need to finish: Yep. Started Game of Thrones... and that's it. I was pulled into it but just haven't set myself to pursue it. Agatha Christie (Poirot and Ms.Marple) are also some I enjoyed and have wanted to read more of.
Three of your all-time favorite books:The Little Prince by Antoine de St. Exupery, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee and Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.
Unapologetic fangirl for:Hunger Games. There, I said it. And Neil Gaiman. And J.K. Rowling.
Very excited for this release: I was looking forward to The Ocean at the End of the Lane (Gaiman) and I'm really curious to read King's sequel to The Shining (x-years later!!)--> Have a look at this Article
Worst bookish habit: "Feeling the need to finish a book even if I'm not liking it. I need to learn to let go"- I hear you. I've only managed to quit one book in my life because I didn't get what the whole hoopla was about.**
X marks the spot! start at the top left of your shelf and pick the 27th book: So, from which bookshelf? Eenie meenie... Shakespeare: The World as Stage by Bill Bryson.
Your last bookish purchase: I was the happiest person on Earth a couple of weeks ago because I went to NYC; of course I stopped by The Strand. And I happened to buy a Great Gatsby sweatshirt and a Cat Tote (plus a magnet and some books, of course!)
Zzz-snatcher. Which book kept you up way late?: Nowadays, I can't stay up past 12am. It's physically impossible for me. Last time I was reading The Cuckoo's Calling though I kept saying "One more chapter.."- until I dreamt I was still reading and was making up my own plot line...***
It's good to be back.
*Yes. I'm back, classy as ever, 'singing' some Eminem.
** The DaVince Code. Bland prose if ever I read one.
*** This is why I don't pressure myself into reading at night. I tend to read-dream stuff up. It gets confusing.